Exhale. Seems simple enough…

3039 1024x682 Exhale. Seems simple enough...

Since the recent loss of my mother (March 5th, 2010) I have been trying to reunite myself with with my old self. I thought this would be easy…just go back to what I was doing before November 5th, 2009…the date we got the devastating news of the return of her kidney cancer (metastatic renal cell carcinoma). Turns out, for me, it’s harder than I thought. While I certainly don’t miss the drive out to the Marie Steiner Kelting Hospice Home I do miss the reason I made the trip each day…to see my mom. Good days or bad days, a friend writes on his son’s Caring Bridge pages, they were all worth it.

Days after my mom’s death I found myself wandering about aimlessly and finally I turned and I asked Gary, “What did I used to do?” I mean I literally feel like I’m starting over or something. It’s really weird….or is it? I feel lost…or am I?  Perhaps it’s all normal, I’m certain it must be because after all….I’m normal….aren’t I?  All the things I got good at doing the past 4 months all need to be replaced with what I was good at before that first Thursday in November. Oh sure, I’ll fumble around a bit but before I know it I’ll be back on top of things instead of underneath it all.  I can see my horizon from here and it looks beautiful!

I will confess this….as a Wedding and Portrait Photographer I found myself praising God, selfishly, for bringing this trial to our lives in my “off season”. I was truly blessed to be able to spend nearly every day with my mom as she endured being bed ridden with life threatening, pathological fractures, managing pain with unbelievable amounts of narcotics while waiting for these abnormal cells to take over her body…at the young age of 71. This, my friends, was an amazing woman and I did not want to miss a minute with her…I rarely did, all due to God’s perfect timing.

I know that my life is forever changed now but my parents are reunited and I find such joy in knowing that one day…I will join them.

Thank you all for your continued, heartfelt prayers.

God Bless.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today my immediate family is gathering with my mom for a very special Thanksgiving celebration.  By that I mean 18 people….so I guess intimate is maybe not the right word to describe this coming together but nonetheless, it’s the whole family and I must say that for years I’ve said to people that we all live pathetically within a 10 mile radius of one another and ya know what? I am so grateful.

Today, the gentleman in the room adjacent to mom and his wife had a vow renewal ceremony earlier today and their whole family came out afterward at about the same time we were gathering. It got loud and crazy and we loved every minute!

I made a new friend today, his name is Wyatt. He is one of the 11 grand kids of the gentleman next to mom.  I think he must be about 6 years old. I introduced myself to him earlier in the day when there was only a couple of people here….he was so sweet. He kept seeking me out throughout the evening and before he left he came up to me and gave me a big hug and said “good bye, I’ll see you another day.” Yes, Wyatt, you will. Bless his heart.

We had the best time today and tonight! So much to be thankful for! We opted to have the meal catered. Anne picked up a full on traditional Thanksgiving dinner for 18 at Byerly’s last night and the staff here at the Hospice Home popped it all in the oven and heated it up for us. Let me tell you, Byerly’s puts on a spread and it was so deLICious! All the flavor, none of the work! Perfect solution for today….right down to the pumpkin & pecan pie! That way no one was stuck in the kitchen and we could all be with mom.

Anne and I both decided that we wanted a night with mom so the 2 of us are sleeping over tonight. A girls night. So fun. The staff just wheels in beds for us and tucks us in. It’s pretty special to be here at night and in the morning when she wakes. Alone time that we will treasure forever.

I pray that you all had as beautiful a day as my family and I had.

God Bless You.

“Oh, You Turkey!”

This popular phrase, born in the 70′s, was used by my dad, in the 70′s….a LOT! Instead of the now more popular adjectives “Dork”, “Moron”, “Boob” or even one of my favorites, “Tool” I may return to “Turkey”…especially this week. Being that it’s the week leading up to Thanksgiving and most important I believe now more than ever in keeping one’s spirit alive by remembering, reminiscing & sharing with others. Why just last night, Gary and I were watching TV (CSI Miami…no judging please!), and I said “and the thick plottens” as the plot thickened…then I turned to Gary and I said “my mom would always say that!”  icon biggrin Oh, You Turkey!

This just in…I have just discovered that one of our local, main papers has announced that the (ever popular in my family) coloring contest “Oh, You Turkey” turned 30 last year! WOW!! Can’t wait for Thursday’s edition.

Everyone keeps asking…is there ANYthing we/I can do? And I continue to respond with, “Pray for my mom’s comfort daily, for the cancer to steer clear of her brain and for my family to remain as one throughout this horrid ordeal.

Marie Steiner Kelting Hospice Home

Friday afternoon my mom moved to the brand new Marie Steiner Kelting Hospice Home in Chaska, MN.  This facility (which we feel God built for our mom!) is aMAzing! I’ve written a little bit about it on her new Caring Bridge site that I just finished constructing yesterday so feel free to sign up there for updates.

This Hospice Home opened it’s doors a little over a month ago to it’s first resident. Mom is now the 3rd resident. I am telling you, it is so lovely and homey…a wonderful place to all come together to gather and celebrate. Our plan is to host Thanksgiving here on Thursday with the immediate family

Today many of us (including my mom’s sister Cindy & uncle Don) are watching the Vikings battle the Sea Hawks with mom!

2 Steps Forward…1 Step Back

My mom is resting across the room from me as I complete some editing and morph into blogging.  It is the eve of my mom’s 2 week milestone of being mostly flat on her back as she receives her 10 day radiation course and wrestles with the idea of cancer ravaging her 71 year young body. As her eldest daughter and middle child, I expected a longer life for my mom and a battle with lung cancer, emphysema or quite honestly & worse…both.

The other day, while we were here alone, she told me about a poem that she had written about her parents as they were aging and how difficult it was to witness them growing older & frail and how hard that was on her. She began to weep. I asked her if she still had that poem and she said “yes” and I asked if it was in her home in a dresser or somewhere that I could perhaps easily locate it and she said “yes”.

I went on to say….” I don’t get that opportunity. I don’t get to watch you “grow old”, my poem will be quite different.” She agreed.  No one asked for this. No one does. Why now? Why my mom? What is God trying to teach me? What am I to learn? I feel much wisdom and strength coming my way. It’s a pretty crappy pay off, if you ask me, to gain wisdom from your parent’s death, pretty crappy, indeed.

On to the title of this blog and it’s significance. Yesterday my mom experienced a “set back”, if you will.  She now has a new pathological fracture. The fracture is in her left humerus. We all knew this was probable. In all the moving around and transferring and re-positioning it was just a matter of time. So, as she was starting to actually feel much better from all the radiation and requiring WAY less medication, we now get to nurse another broken bone and get back on some “break through” pain meds.  :\  Now while this was possibly avoidable (no fault here!) this did buy her another day of receiving radiation while in the hospital which is a blessing. So we will remain here through her radiation treatment this Friday and then move to bigger and better things! God is good!

We had a nice quite day today. No visitors. My youngest brother, Mike, slept over last night. Anne hit the midday shift and I joined her in the room in time to take mom down for her 12:40 radiation appointment and spent the rest of the day with her here. Tim, my oldest brother, will take the final night shift tomorrow as we need to move forward. Several choices  to consider and while nothing is concrete at this time I’ll post again when I know more about a move to a more permanent location.

I can’t even begin to express the joy I get from being here with my mom. These are special days. Please keep her in your prayers as you go about your days and know that we are strong and steadfast in our resolve to provide my mom every bit of care and relief that we can. Your prayers are felt and embraced. Please feel free to comment as I am always reading them to my mom!

Palliative Care~Divine Healing

7669 1024x682 Palliative Care~Divine Healing

I have gotten word that many folks are turning to my blog for updates on my mom. I will do my best to update when any strides take place. And with day 11 nearly under her belt, many awesome things are happening.  Radiation began last Tuesday and because her tumors are not located near vital organs or her spine they are able to deliver massive doses to each of the 5 areas and shorten her course from 4-6 weeks (M-F) to just 10 treatments. This will mean that she’ll more than likely be able to remain in the hospital while she undergoes the remainder of her treatments. We are still working on pain management but with nearly a week of radiation gone by my mom seems to already feel better. So much so that when her oncologist popped in today on rounds and said “You are becoming encrusted into that bed, let’s see if we can get you in to this chair for a bit.” She went for it! Imagine my surprise when I arrived this morning and saw her sitting up in a CHAIR!! Wow!

My entire family & I have been actively involved with my mom’s care as she undergoes her radiation and palliative care (pain management). There is NEVER not someone here with her. We sleep over and get involved with the Dr.s as they pop in on rounds early each morning.

We are really looking at 2 scenarios here: 1.) Manage her pain and keep her comfortable as this renal cell cancer, once present 6 years ago, slithers back in and takes her life or 2.) That the Lord provide my mom with divine healing and a miraculous recovery wiping out all traces of cancer. I urge you all to join us and pray for the latter.

God Bless you all for keeping my mom in your prayers and sharing her battle with others that will pray as well.

Metastatic Disease.

What it means: a noun, the development of secondary malignant growths at a distance from a primary site of cancer.

What it means to me: My mother’s kidney cancer has returned and metastasized in her bones and lungs and it will take her life. She is already at stage 4.

What it means to my mom: She will get to go and be with my dad and some of her very best friends and see God face to face sooner than later.

Kidney cancer does not respond to chemotherapy.

Radiation (which begins tomorrow) will shrink the tumors (and there are many) and give my mom relief from pain but this is not curable. This will not go away.

Now, while I understand all that is happening and what traditional wisdom and medicine tells me I also have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and so I lift it all up to him to do as he pleases.

I have 4 other siblings that all live joyfully close and we are all going to convene this morning to meet with her FABulous Dr. (Dr, Kevin White) to go over all the details of her treatment going forward.

What I know for sure at this moment is that she will remain in the hospital this coming week as they begin her radiation regime to get her pain level down.

76222 1024x682 Metastatic Disease.